Ava sat before the mirror as she closely examined the fine lines on her forehead and around her eyes. She forced herself into a fake grin so that she could clearly spot those creases on her face. She gently ran her fingers down her cheeks that had once been velvety smooth. That took her attention towards those slender fingers that surfaced wrinkles near the knuckles. She immediately created a tight fist that hid all her lines and reality. But, what she could not unsee was the reflection of the person that she saw in those deep pair of eyes – the one she had neglected all these years. Her gaze turned towards an old vintage photo frame where she saw herself gleefully staring into Aron’s eyes. That was 35 years ago.
Ava was now 62 years old. After being widowed at a very young age, she had decided to spend all her time taking care of her daughter Adri. That was the only way she knew she could keep Aron close to his heart and his memories alive. She had the best six years of her life when Aron was suddenly taken away them. Adri had just began walking and often looked for her daddy in his closet and behind the door. Ava watched her in dismay, but she always knew how to distract her into playing a new game. Adri was all she had left of Aron.
There had been so many days when Ava had longed for Aron’s shoulders to cry on, and so many lustful nights when she had to curb down her sexual appetite. But, she remained loyal to his memories and often found comfort in reminiscing the times they had spent together. She could still feel him caressing her and kissing her tummy when she had been pregnant. It was as if she refused to let go of him, and had made peace with his invisible and silent presence, all the while making herself invisible to the rest of the world. All she ever cared for was Adri, and had raised her into a kind and beautiful young woman.
But, today, Ava wants something for herself. She is finally willing to be the phoenix and rise from the ashes from under the debris of her loss. She wants to tip toe towards falling in love again. She wants to convince herself that she is still attractive, and still capable of being loved and cared for. She wants to start a new life with Ed, whom she met few months ago at the Louvre Museum on her trip to Paris. She had felt butterflies in her stomach after decades when their eyes had exchanged smiles while she sat on a bench gazing at and absorbing the pain overflowing from the ‘Raft of the Medusa’ painting. It was as if she felt a strong gust of wind that was pushing her raft in an unknown direction against her will, yet she refused to adjust the direction of her sail.
She felt guilty that she was replacing Aron’s memories. She felt ashamed that she was having wild fantasies about Ed at this age. That made her sick to her stomach. Ed respected her love for Aron, and was willing to create new memories while still preserving the older ones. He din’t expect anything from Ava, but accepted everything. Their love stayed platonic for months until Ava finally gave her consent, and that night she felt alive for the first time in ages. She felt like she had finally found an oasis amidst the desert.
As she stared into the mirror, she thought about everything she had always identified herself with – mother, daughter, and wife. But, for once, all she wanted to be was “herself”. She dint want to care about those fine lines or the wrinkles on her face. After all, these wrinkles represented her life. It exemplified love, laughter, loss, pain, sacrifice, motherhood, strength, insecurities, fear, content, and happiness. These wrinkles narrated her journey and the journey that awaits her.
As Byron Katie says –
“Do you want to meet the love of your life? Look in the mirror”
She wiped down her tears that rolled down her cheeks, and smiled back at the person in the mirror. She was pretty in spite of those gray hair, tired eyes, fine lines, and wrinkles. She deserved Ed’s love and affection, and most importantly her own. She had never felt more compassionate towards herself before. She now valued herself, and believed that she was worthy of everything. She was not looking for a safe harbor to anchor, but towards new adventure in her life. She knew it had to begin with loving herself in spite of what the world thought of her!
Inspiration – My own fine lines on the knuckles
Photo Credit – Subrat B photography
