As I slowly walked out of the doctor’s room after my appointment, still trying to digest what I had just heard, I sat down on a bench in one corner of the bustling corridor. There was a strange sensation in my body – heart fluttering, restlessness – something I had never experienced before. I looked around to see if someone could help me. Everyone was hustling. Although there was a perfect silence, I could hear the urgency in the footsteps of the physicians, nurses, and patients. I tried to inhale and exhale trying to calm myself down, and looked around for someone to lean on – someone who could comfort me and tell me that it will be fine. After all, I wanted someone to tell me that I would live longer than just three months as the doctor had just told me a few minutes ago. I was not ready to die yet. I am only 32 years old, and I had planned a trip to London for my upcoming birthday in April. I wanted to take a photo posing in front of the London Eye. I had my entire life perfectly planned out. Everything was shattered in a matter of moments. But, why was I alone? Why was no one holding my hands to comfort me? I could no longer control my emotions. I was in utmost pain feeling helpless, and in the next moment, I found myself crying silently all alone because I din’t want anyone to hear my sob. Within seconds, I could hear myself crying hysterically when I suddenly woke up from my dream – still crying, profusely sweating, and still struggling hard to come back to reality. What if this was the reality? What if I had just three months to live?
As I sat down on my bed still crying, yet relieved that it was just a dream – it was impossible for me to go back to sleep. It was time to wake up – wake up from the deep slumber. It was around 3:45 a.m. I made myself a cup of coffee, and quietly sat down on the sofa in my living room – feeling relieved. I saw my pup staring at me still half asleep. I called my husband and told him about the dream. He chuckled and said that it was going to be fine. May be he was right!
As I sipped my coffee staring blankly at the wall before me, I wanted to embrace and live through that dream for a moment. It was so difficult to accept the grim reality that my life wouldn’t exist after a few months. It was impossible to believe that I would just be a memory to someone. I was always convinced that I am invincible and immortal. I had perfectly carved out my life. Death was nowhere in the planner or on my things-to-do list.
There had always been ample amount of time in hand for negative emotions to brew. But that day, I questioned myself – “What if it was not a dream? How would I want to spend the final few days of my life?” Would I still be brooding over the past wasting my precious time to come up with the most hurtful response so that I could win a fight? Or would I rather cherish every moment like never before, create magical moments and leave behind treasured memories for my loved ones? I had to make a choice.
It has been almost three months to that dream, and I am ready to blow out my birthday candles next week! Although, we had to cancel our trip to London due to unavoidable situation (The Seattle Great Wheel still exists!), I am blessed to be still alive, healthy, and most importantly surrounded by people I love and those who love me back! Sometimes, we take so many things for granted – health, loved ones, freedom, and life itself. Some of us are blessed that we get wake up calls, and some don’t. And sadly, some of us ignore all the wake up calls, and regret when it is impossible to turn back time.
“Whatever you want to do, do it now. There are only so many tomorrows” – Michael London
Waves of negative thoughts still crash against my shoreline. But, I make a conscious effort to stay away from it, and let it pass by without letting it cause long-term damage to my soul and inner peace. Once you accept your mortality, you view life through a different lens and apply fun filters to capture every moment. Life is happening right now – at this particular moment. There was a yesterday but there might not be a tomorrow. Why not be selective at what we feed our body, mind, and soul with at this particular moment?
Now is the time to gauge on what’s most important to us, and what makes us feel our most alive selves. After all, I wouldn’t want to die before I am dead. I am looking forward towards blowing many more birthday candles. I know that I will not live forever, but at least I can create something that will – something I can take it with me and something I can leave behind for others to cherish. After all as Ralph Waldo Emerson said –
“It is not length of life, it is depth of life”
